Hey,
Well, I know many of you are wondering what happened yesterday with my daughter and school. For now, I think I will just not speak about it, and we are working on something. Not going to go into details right now. It didn't necessarily go bad, but also not as good as I had hoped. But, whatever decision we make, will be OUR decision and nobody else's.
This morning I went to my 1 week follow up appointment after on the new meds. Oops, I didn't realize that I was supposed to stay on the prozac as well along with the wellbutrin. Maybe the two of them together will give me that little bit of a boost that I still feel I needed. I do feel confident that I am heading into a positive direction, still have to find a talk therapist.
So are we seriously going to get 4-8 inches of snow this weekend? Ugh, and of course I have to work. My husband drives me to work and picks me up every time I do work, rain, sun, snow, you name it. He gets up at 4 am to bring me in too :) His reasoning is, he would never forgive himself if I had driven myself and he was home sleeping, and I got into an accident. People say I'm spoiled, but I would call that love.
I don't know about you, but I am tired about hearing about deflated balls lol. Seriously, who cares? If they have made it this far and are heading to the Super Bowl, it's because they are good. And I don't even watch football!
Other then that, it's been a quiet day, just enjoying relaxing before I have to work all weekend.
Sorry, this has kind of been a boring post today, but hey boring can't be all that bad right? It's been a pretty good day and I am getting ready to cook dinner and snuggle in and watch some Netflix. If you get a chance check over my new website. I have been working on it and wanted to incorporate a bunch of things, and information together. I told my doctor that I was doing a blog, and she thought that was awesome. Even if nobody wants to read it, at least it helps me to get out some of what I'm feeling. And if it helps me, maybe I can inspire someone else.
Friday, January 23, 2015
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Feeling Defeated
Good Morning,
It's been a couple days since my last posting. Have had a lot going on. Still on the wellbutrin, and I feel it's a much better choice then the prozac that I was on. I do feel better, but with that being said, today I just feel defeated. Not sure why, I can never really explain why, these are one of those days, I could just go to bed and sleep all day.
I think I have a lot of anxiety on facing this IEP meeting for my daughter at school later today. I as her parent, am her only advocate, and I am hoping they listen to me, and fully understand what is going on. To watch your child suffer and feel miserable with school, is a very hard thing. I wish I could take a magic wand, and just take away her pain.
I am feeling better on my grief process with my grandmother. I haven't started my talk therapy, I am still trying to find the best fit for me. Someone that I think I will click with, because that's the most important part. Anyone have any suggestions?
Like, I said, I just am having writing block this morning, I think it's just because I have too much on my mind, and feel like exploding.
But, first I will leave you with a picture, I took the other day with my phone. As I sat down on an old log, the photo opportunity just screamed at me. I love how the light is shining down through the trees, even my husband said, it's like God shining down through. It is definitely a place I want to go see again, because it really seems to bring me some peace in my heart and mind.
It's been a couple days since my last posting. Have had a lot going on. Still on the wellbutrin, and I feel it's a much better choice then the prozac that I was on. I do feel better, but with that being said, today I just feel defeated. Not sure why, I can never really explain why, these are one of those days, I could just go to bed and sleep all day.
I think I have a lot of anxiety on facing this IEP meeting for my daughter at school later today. I as her parent, am her only advocate, and I am hoping they listen to me, and fully understand what is going on. To watch your child suffer and feel miserable with school, is a very hard thing. I wish I could take a magic wand, and just take away her pain.
I am feeling better on my grief process with my grandmother. I haven't started my talk therapy, I am still trying to find the best fit for me. Someone that I think I will click with, because that's the most important part. Anyone have any suggestions?
Like, I said, I just am having writing block this morning, I think it's just because I have too much on my mind, and feel like exploding.
But, first I will leave you with a picture, I took the other day with my phone. As I sat down on an old log, the photo opportunity just screamed at me. I love how the light is shining down through the trees, even my husband said, it's like God shining down through. It is definitely a place I want to go see again, because it really seems to bring me some peace in my heart and mind.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Comfort Zone
Well, today is day 3 of my new meds. They started me on Welbutrin. I do have to say, I've noticed some improvement. Even my husband has mentioned, that I seem somewhat better. I do have to say I have had some really bizarre dreams, but not sure if it's because of the new meds. But, I will tell you last night I had a dream that did give me some comfort to my crazy mixed up mind. In my dream, I was at the hospital at the end of a bed, standing. In that bed was my grandmother. She was sitting up, with no breathing masks and a big smile. In my dream I was thinking OMG. I looked at her and she said, with a smile, "I'm okay". And then the dream was gone. I'm taking that as a sign, and holding on to that deep in my heart. It gives me some comfort, a glimpse of some hope.
This morning I woke up helped my boys and husband get ready to go off ice fishing. My plan was to settle back into the comfort of my bed and sleep away the morning. But, something in the back of my head said, contact your mother and go to church with her. Ha ha, my response to that voice was, that place is going to burn down around me when I walk in there. I knew I couldn't do it alone. So I rode up with my mother, my heart racing, and my palms sweaty. First, she was attending a book study, it had just a few people. My aunt, my mom, one of my mom's best friends, and an older couple. It was interesting, I do have to say, and kind of funny at least to me, when the subject of mental illness came up. Kind of made me choke on my own saliva lol. But, it was all fine. Maybe yet another sign, I was where I was supposed to be today. Later, church started and it went okay. I'm not into the singing part of it, but more there to hear a message. But, I do know that I can probably do it again and I probably will. It can't hurt, and the church didn't burn down around me! Tomorrow, I will call one of the therapists recommended to me, and start from there. That will yet be another comfort zone thing. They will probably think I'm a nut, I mean I can admit I am lol.
Ok, I must close for now. I need to get to bed, as I have to get up at 3am to get ready for work. I'm kinda hoping to get another sign tonight, but I know it may not happen. I guess in amongst my depression, I am so hurt that I will never see my grandmother again in this lifetime. It literally hurts my heart. To me, she was never going to die. I guess in a way she hasn't, she has just moved on. So with that, I will plan on seeing her again in another lifetime.
This morning I woke up helped my boys and husband get ready to go off ice fishing. My plan was to settle back into the comfort of my bed and sleep away the morning. But, something in the back of my head said, contact your mother and go to church with her. Ha ha, my response to that voice was, that place is going to burn down around me when I walk in there. I knew I couldn't do it alone. So I rode up with my mother, my heart racing, and my palms sweaty. First, she was attending a book study, it had just a few people. My aunt, my mom, one of my mom's best friends, and an older couple. It was interesting, I do have to say, and kind of funny at least to me, when the subject of mental illness came up. Kind of made me choke on my own saliva lol. But, it was all fine. Maybe yet another sign, I was where I was supposed to be today. Later, church started and it went okay. I'm not into the singing part of it, but more there to hear a message. But, I do know that I can probably do it again and I probably will. It can't hurt, and the church didn't burn down around me! Tomorrow, I will call one of the therapists recommended to me, and start from there. That will yet be another comfort zone thing. They will probably think I'm a nut, I mean I can admit I am lol.
Ok, I must close for now. I need to get to bed, as I have to get up at 3am to get ready for work. I'm kinda hoping to get another sign tonight, but I know it may not happen. I guess in amongst my depression, I am so hurt that I will never see my grandmother again in this lifetime. It literally hurts my heart. To me, she was never going to die. I guess in a way she hasn't, she has just moved on. So with that, I will plan on seeing her again in another lifetime.
Saturday, January 17, 2015
Hoping to help myself and you
January 17, 2015
Ok, so many of you know that I suffer with depression and anxiety. I have dealt with it for several years, but never really getting help for it until my 20's. I always knew something wasn't right, something was off, and I always wished I could find some kind of magic to make my brain happy. Don't get me wrong, I have an awesome life, a wonderful family, 3 of the best kids in the whole world, a roof over my head, food in my cupboard, a full time job, and a handful of very, very close friends, I consider my family. But, that has nothing to do with depression or anxiety. It's hard to explain to others what's going on in my head, when I don't even understand it myself. I hate hearing the words, "It's all in your head, stop feeling sorry for yourself." It has nothing to do with feeling sorry for myself, because I don't. And it's not all in my head, I am not making it up, I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. But, that still doesn't stop me from telling myself, I am a mental case.
I have been on 60mg of Prozac for sometime know. For the most part, it worked great. But, since my grandmother passed away on January 2, 2015, my brain has spiraled out of control. I was having trouble with everything. I had no energy, I felt out of control, and not me. I was sleeping almost any chance I could get on my days off from work. I have found myself in a very deep deep depression, that I've never felt before at all. It is a scary feeling, not feeling in control. I don't have the feeling to hurt myself or anyone, but at times I do feel it would be easier to just get into a car and just go off somewhere and disappear.
My husband had his own doctor's appointment yesterday, and told the doctor what was going on, originally they had given me some clonazapam, because I
was having severe panic attacks every night since her death. My doctor wanted me to come in asap and not wait till the weekend. So he got me an appointment after work. I basically cried on my way into work yesterday morning, feeling so low. My husband grabbed my hand and said it will be okay. Of course, when I get to work, I put on that fake smile, and act like nothing in the world is bothering me at all, making jokes, being silly, all hiding what I am really feeling inside. At the doctor's last night, I told her that basically I felt like a nut case, and I didn't know where to go with my feelings, or how to process them. She assured me that I am dealing with grief, and already having an underlying mood disorder, my brain just does not know how to handle it, without a little extra help. She changed my meds, and I will also be starting talk therapy. Talk therapy is something I should have been doing, but always balked at the idea, of why someone would want to listen to my mixed up mind, and be able to help me through it. I think really, I also don't feel closure with my grandmother's death, so maybe talking to a therapist who does not know me will help.
Today, I'm starting this blog, maybe as a way to help me, but maybe also to help that other person out there, who doesn't think anyone understands. I do have to say that I do feel a tiny bit better this today with a med change, I kind of felt normal. Lol, if normal really is a feeling.
Anyone, today is day 1 of new meds, a new start, a new blog, and just looking to feel normal, and not feel tied up and confused in this place we call home.
Ok, so many of you know that I suffer with depression and anxiety. I have dealt with it for several years, but never really getting help for it until my 20's. I always knew something wasn't right, something was off, and I always wished I could find some kind of magic to make my brain happy. Don't get me wrong, I have an awesome life, a wonderful family, 3 of the best kids in the whole world, a roof over my head, food in my cupboard, a full time job, and a handful of very, very close friends, I consider my family. But, that has nothing to do with depression or anxiety. It's hard to explain to others what's going on in my head, when I don't even understand it myself. I hate hearing the words, "It's all in your head, stop feeling sorry for yourself." It has nothing to do with feeling sorry for myself, because I don't. And it's not all in my head, I am not making it up, I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. But, that still doesn't stop me from telling myself, I am a mental case.
I have been on 60mg of Prozac for sometime know. For the most part, it worked great. But, since my grandmother passed away on January 2, 2015, my brain has spiraled out of control. I was having trouble with everything. I had no energy, I felt out of control, and not me. I was sleeping almost any chance I could get on my days off from work. I have found myself in a very deep deep depression, that I've never felt before at all. It is a scary feeling, not feeling in control. I don't have the feeling to hurt myself or anyone, but at times I do feel it would be easier to just get into a car and just go off somewhere and disappear.
My husband had his own doctor's appointment yesterday, and told the doctor what was going on, originally they had given me some clonazapam, because I
was having severe panic attacks every night since her death. My doctor wanted me to come in asap and not wait till the weekend. So he got me an appointment after work. I basically cried on my way into work yesterday morning, feeling so low. My husband grabbed my hand and said it will be okay. Of course, when I get to work, I put on that fake smile, and act like nothing in the world is bothering me at all, making jokes, being silly, all hiding what I am really feeling inside. At the doctor's last night, I told her that basically I felt like a nut case, and I didn't know where to go with my feelings, or how to process them. She assured me that I am dealing with grief, and already having an underlying mood disorder, my brain just does not know how to handle it, without a little extra help. She changed my meds, and I will also be starting talk therapy. Talk therapy is something I should have been doing, but always balked at the idea, of why someone would want to listen to my mixed up mind, and be able to help me through it. I think really, I also don't feel closure with my grandmother's death, so maybe talking to a therapist who does not know me will help.
Today, I'm starting this blog, maybe as a way to help me, but maybe also to help that other person out there, who doesn't think anyone understands. I do have to say that I do feel a tiny bit better this today with a med change, I kind of felt normal. Lol, if normal really is a feeling.
Anyone, today is day 1 of new meds, a new start, a new blog, and just looking to feel normal, and not feel tied up and confused in this place we call home.
January 17, 2015
Ok, so many of you know that I suffer with depression and anxiety. I have dealt with it for several years, but never really getting help for it until my 20's. I always knew something wasn't right, something was off, and I always wished I could find some kind of magic to make my brain happy. Don't get me wrong, I have an awesome life, a wonderful family, 3 of the best kids in the whole world, a roof over my head, food in my cupboard, a full time job, and a handful of very, very close friends, I consider my family. But, that has nothing to do with depression or anxiety. It's hard to explain to others what's going on in my head, when I don't even understand it myself. I hate hearing the words, "It's all in your head, stop feeling sorry for yourself." It has nothing to do with feeling sorry for myself, because I don't. And it's not all in my head, I am not making it up, I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. But, that still doesn't stop me from telling myself, I am a mental case.
I have been on 60mg of Prozac for sometime know. For the most part, it worked great. But, since my grandmother passed away on January 2, 2015, my brain has spiraled out of control. I was having trouble with everything. I had no energy, I felt out of control, and not me. I was sleeping almost any chance I could get on my days off from work. I have found myself in a very deep deep depression, that I've never felt before at all. It is a scary feeling, not feeling in control. I don't have the feeling to hurt myself or anyone, but at times I do feel it would be easier to just get into a car and just go off somewhere and disappear.
My husband had his own doctor's appointment yesterday, and told the doctor what was going on, originally they had given me some clonazapam, because I
was having severe panic attacks every night since her death. My doctor wanted me to come in asap and not wait till the weekend. So he got me an appointment after work. I basically cried on my way into work yesterday morning, feeling so low. My husband grabbed my hand and said it will be okay. Of course, when I get to work, I put on that fake smile, and act like nothing in the world is bothering me at all, making jokes, being silly, all hiding what I am really feeling inside. At the doctor's last night, I told her that basically I felt like a nut case, and I didn't know where to go with my feelings, or how to process them. She assured me that I am dealing with grief, and already having an underlying mood disorder, my brain just does not know how to handle it, without a little extra help. She changed my meds, and I will also be starting talk therapy. Talk therapy is something I should have been doing, but always balked at the idea, of why someone would want to listen to my mixed up mind, and be able to help me through it. I think really, I also don't feel closure with my grandmother's death, so maybe talking to a therapist who does not know me will help.
Today, I'm starting this blog, maybe as a way to help me, but maybe also to help that other person out there, who doesn't think anyone understands. I do have to say that I do feel a tiny bit better this today with a med change, I kind of felt normal. Lol, if normal really is a feeling.
Anyone, today is day 1 of new meds, a new start, a new blog, and just looking to feel normal, and not feel tied up and confused in this place we call home.
Ok, so many of you know that I suffer with depression and anxiety. I have dealt with it for several years, but never really getting help for it until my 20's. I always knew something wasn't right, something was off, and I always wished I could find some kind of magic to make my brain happy. Don't get me wrong, I have an awesome life, a wonderful family, 3 of the best kids in the whole world, a roof over my head, food in my cupboard, a full time job, and a handful of very, very close friends, I consider my family. But, that has nothing to do with depression or anxiety. It's hard to explain to others what's going on in my head, when I don't even understand it myself. I hate hearing the words, "It's all in your head, stop feeling sorry for yourself." It has nothing to do with feeling sorry for myself, because I don't. And it's not all in my head, I am not making it up, I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. But, that still doesn't stop me from telling myself, I am a mental case.
I have been on 60mg of Prozac for sometime know. For the most part, it worked great. But, since my grandmother passed away on January 2, 2015, my brain has spiraled out of control. I was having trouble with everything. I had no energy, I felt out of control, and not me. I was sleeping almost any chance I could get on my days off from work. I have found myself in a very deep deep depression, that I've never felt before at all. It is a scary feeling, not feeling in control. I don't have the feeling to hurt myself or anyone, but at times I do feel it would be easier to just get into a car and just go off somewhere and disappear.
My husband had his own doctor's appointment yesterday, and told the doctor what was going on, originally they had given me some clonazapam, because I
was having severe panic attacks every night since her death. My doctor wanted me to come in asap and not wait till the weekend. So he got me an appointment after work. I basically cried on my way into work yesterday morning, feeling so low. My husband grabbed my hand and said it will be okay. Of course, when I get to work, I put on that fake smile, and act like nothing in the world is bothering me at all, making jokes, being silly, all hiding what I am really feeling inside. At the doctor's last night, I told her that basically I felt like a nut case, and I didn't know where to go with my feelings, or how to process them. She assured me that I am dealing with grief, and already having an underlying mood disorder, my brain just does not know how to handle it, without a little extra help. She changed my meds, and I will also be starting talk therapy. Talk therapy is something I should have been doing, but always balked at the idea, of why someone would want to listen to my mixed up mind, and be able to help me through it. I think really, I also don't feel closure with my grandmother's death, so maybe talking to a therapist who does not know me will help.
Today, I'm starting this blog, maybe as a way to help me, but maybe also to help that other person out there, who doesn't think anyone understands. I do have to say that I do feel a tiny bit better this today with a med change, I kind of felt normal. Lol, if normal really is a feeling.
Anyone, today is day 1 of new meds, a new start, a new blog, and just looking to feel normal, and not feel tied up and confused in this place we call home.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)