January 17, 2015
Ok, so many of you know that I suffer with depression and anxiety. I have dealt with it for several years, but never really getting help for it until my 20's. I always knew something wasn't right, something was off, and I always wished I could find some kind of magic to make my brain happy. Don't get me wrong, I have an awesome life, a wonderful family, 3 of the best kids in the whole world, a roof over my head, food in my cupboard, a full time job, and a handful of very, very close friends, I consider my family. But, that has nothing to do with depression or anxiety. It's hard to explain to others what's going on in my head, when I don't even understand it myself. I hate hearing the words, "It's all in your head, stop feeling sorry for yourself." It has nothing to do with feeling sorry for myself, because I don't. And it's not all in my head, I am not making it up, I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. But, that still doesn't stop me from telling myself, I am a mental case.
I have been on 60mg of Prozac for sometime know. For the most part, it worked great. But, since my grandmother passed away on January 2, 2015, my brain has spiraled out of control. I was having trouble with everything. I had no energy, I felt out of control, and not me. I was sleeping almost any chance I could get on my days off from work. I have found myself in a very deep deep depression, that I've never felt before at all. It is a scary feeling, not feeling in control. I don't have the feeling to hurt myself or anyone, but at times I do feel it would be easier to just get into a car and just go off somewhere and disappear.
My husband had his own doctor's appointment yesterday, and told the doctor what was going on, originally they had given me some clonazapam, because I
was having severe panic attacks every night since her death. My doctor wanted me to come in asap and not wait till the weekend. So he got me an appointment after work. I basically cried on my way into work yesterday morning, feeling so low. My husband grabbed my hand and said it will be okay. Of course, when I get to work, I put on that fake smile, and act like nothing in the world is bothering me at all, making jokes, being silly, all hiding what I am really feeling inside. At the doctor's last night, I told her that basically I felt like a nut case, and I didn't know where to go with my feelings, or how to process them. She assured me that I am dealing with grief, and already having an underlying mood disorder, my brain just does not know how to handle it, without a little extra help. She changed my meds, and I will also be starting talk therapy. Talk therapy is something I should have been doing, but always balked at the idea, of why someone would want to listen to my mixed up mind, and be able to help me through it. I think really, I also don't feel closure with my grandmother's death, so maybe talking to a therapist who does not know me will help.
Today, I'm starting this blog, maybe as a way to help me, but maybe also to help that other person out there, who doesn't think anyone understands. I do have to say that I do feel a tiny bit better this today with a med change, I kind of felt normal. Lol, if normal really is a feeling.
Anyone, today is day 1 of new meds, a new start, a new blog, and just looking to feel normal, and not feel tied up and confused in this place we call home.
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