Well, today is day 3 of my new meds. They started me on Welbutrin. I do have to say, I've noticed some improvement. Even my husband has mentioned, that I seem somewhat better. I do have to say I have had some really bizarre dreams, but not sure if it's because of the new meds. But, I will tell you last night I had a dream that did give me some comfort to my crazy mixed up mind. In my dream, I was at the hospital at the end of a bed, standing. In that bed was my grandmother. She was sitting up, with no breathing masks and a big smile. In my dream I was thinking OMG. I looked at her and she said, with a smile, "I'm okay". And then the dream was gone. I'm taking that as a sign, and holding on to that deep in my heart. It gives me some comfort, a glimpse of some hope.
This morning I woke up helped my boys and husband get ready to go off ice fishing. My plan was to settle back into the comfort of my bed and sleep away the morning. But, something in the back of my head said, contact your mother and go to church with her. Ha ha, my response to that voice was, that place is going to burn down around me when I walk in there. I knew I couldn't do it alone. So I rode up with my mother, my heart racing, and my palms sweaty. First, she was attending a book study, it had just a few people. My aunt, my mom, one of my mom's best friends, and an older couple. It was interesting, I do have to say, and kind of funny at least to me, when the subject of mental illness came up. Kind of made me choke on my own saliva lol. But, it was all fine. Maybe yet another sign, I was where I was supposed to be today. Later, church started and it went okay. I'm not into the singing part of it, but more there to hear a message. But, I do know that I can probably do it again and I probably will. It can't hurt, and the church didn't burn down around me! Tomorrow, I will call one of the therapists recommended to me, and start from there. That will yet be another comfort zone thing. They will probably think I'm a nut, I mean I can admit I am lol.
Ok, I must close for now. I need to get to bed, as I have to get up at 3am to get ready for work. I'm kinda hoping to get another sign tonight, but I know it may not happen. I guess in amongst my depression, I am so hurt that I will never see my grandmother again in this lifetime. It literally hurts my heart. To me, she was never going to die. I guess in a way she hasn't, she has just moved on. So with that, I will plan on seeing her again in another lifetime.
So positive and beautiful Angela! Good luck as you pursue therapy! <3
ReplyDeleteThank you! I want to tell you that I do look up to you, I relate to some much of your writing, and you always seem to be positive. Thanks for encouraging me to speak my voice.
DeleteI'm very proud of you Angela! Wish I was there to give you a big hug.
ReplyDeleteThank you. It means a lot. And it meant a lot when you wrote me a letter of recommendation to get started in my job! I certainly don't do it for the money, but I so love serving myself by helping others who need some help.
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